Sunday, April 3, 2011
"Break My Heart for What Breaks Your's"
Well...This year by fare has been one of the worst years of my life. I am not sure I have ever experienced so much pain, heart ache, and let down as I have this year. I know we all have our trials, this year just so happens to have been a very long one for me. After a devastating break up I took a vow to singleness for a year in hopes of learning how to fill the void in my heart with God's love. It may sound easy, but coming from the past I have and suffering from a "daddy hole" It has been a most difficult task. Along with the loneliness I have felt I have lost two jobs, been some what homeless, and have had major financial and academic problems with school. I have met so many wonderful new friends and have had so many of them let me down. I still struggle with old feelings of worthlessness although they come fewer and father a part for the most part. I have completely changed my way of life. I have this crazy craving to dive into scripture and read all the books I can that any one recommends for spiritual growth. I have found a deep desire to be a servant of God with a soft spot for homeless and the incredible poor. Through all the heart ache I am starting to wonder if God breaks our hearts so that it is open for His love to poor in. The more heart ache I experience the closer I feel to him. I more I am reminded that his world is not my home. Maybe we aren't meant to be at peace in this life and maybe for some who are even totally devoted followers and servants this life will not get any easier, we will never find that happiness we long for until we are face to face with our creator. So maybe I can be thankful and even seek refuge in the bad times that cause the tears to stream down my face at night, because in those times I can know God, I can see His grace I can feel His embrace and I can hear his whispers. I feel honored to be the one chosen for the life that I have. and I want My heart to be broken...For what breaks his.
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I know what you mean, Sam. In the last two years, we've had medical emergencies, betrayal, a house fire, time of unemployment, and the death of my dad, James's mom, and even our best friends/roommates. We've lost a lot of stuff, a lot of friends, and a lot of money along the way. We've lived in motel rooms and even my car at one time. Right now, I am very blessed with a job and a stable home, but there's still the burden of the loved ones we've lost. I don't believe I would have ever come to know The Lord in the way that I do had all of this not happened. I also feel that it all makes me a stronger person. It has also helped mold James and I into stronger vessels of The Lord because these experiences make it easier to reach out and help others and to relate to the hardships of the people around me. He definitely has a reason for everything and He never leads us to anything that we can't handle with His help. I'm glad that you've found refuge in Him. God Bless. -Shannon
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